Travesty in pleather pants

It is a CRIME that equid-wannabe Stephane Lambiel looks better in those patent pleather pants than I do! A TRAVESTY, I say!

Alexei Yagudin, Revolutionary Etude

 Alexei Yagudin, Revolutionary Etude SP (2001 World Championships)
***** - Transcendent
It's interesting how some of the greatest programs are programs that never quite manage to win a major championship. Michelle Kwan's Dream of Desdemona and Taj Mahal, for example, are criminally underrated, and Stephane Lambiel never won anything major with Poeta (with the exclusion of the 2007 Grand Prix Final, which was debateable anyways). For Alexei Yagudin, his programs during the 2000-2001 season--Revolutionary Etude and Gladiator--are a perfect case in point. The 2000-2001 season was quite the lost season for Mr. Yagudin, as it was the season in which he lost every tête-à-tête with his up-and-coming rival Evgeni Plushenko and suffered a foot injury to boot. Yet his programs this season were absolutely superb, arguably surpassing even the famous Winter and The Man in the Iron Mask, both excellent programs that were cemented into iconic status with his victory at the 2002 Olympics.

Take Revolutionary Etude for example. This short program is the perfect polygamous marriage between skater, music, choreographer and circumstance. Normally orchestral arrangements of solo piano pieces tend to be overblown and superfluous, but this particular arrangement of Chopin's Revolutionary Etude suits the power and passion of Mr. Yagudin's skating splendidly and lends a certain gravitas to the program that may not have been quite possible with the original piano arrangement.

Oh Lori



Too good to last

In the beginning...there was the golden triumvirate of Michelle Kwan, Frank Carroll and Lori Nichol. In this potent trio combined a skater with an insane amount of talent and work ethic with a coach and a choreographer that possessed the strength of vision and creativity to do something about it.

It was the stuff of dreams. It was skating's version of Fonteyn and Nureyev, of champagne and caviar. Season after season, the triumvirate consistently produced programs that quickly ascended to iconic status in figure skating:

Voodoo: The Darker Side of Figure Skating

Figure skating is a sport that puts much weight on illusion and politesse. While it is no mean feat to constantly and consistently revolve three or four times in the air and land on a slender blade fractions of an inch wide, the ideal figure skater does not pant or heave or give any indication that such a gravity-defying feat requires hours of arduous practice--at most, he or she daintily perspires. The ideal skater is not only required to be polished and sophisticated on the ice, but such qualities are also prized off the ice as well. As examples such as the vilification of Tonya Harding and raising of Michelle Kwan into near-demigod status demonstrate, figure skaters are also implicitly expected to be gracious, sportsmanlike and only aim to "do their best" at a competition.

Yet this emphasis on illusion and politesse is but a thin veneer hiding a dark and shameful secret among the ranks of figure skating: the use of the black arts by skaters and their coaches in order to achieve desired results. The use of curses, spells and other occult practices has had a long and storied history in the sport of figure skating. From Katarina "Demon Eyes" Witt infamously standing at the boards during her competitors' programs and causing havoc and panic to the more contemporary examples discussed further into this article, the use of black magic has been the refuge of unscrupulous skaters and their coaches. Indeed, prominent persons in the figure skating world have even spoken out against the use of the dark arts in figure skating competitions. "There is a lot of dirty stuff in figure skating," warns high-profile coach Alexei Mishin, while 2006 Olympic champion Evgeni Plushenko, a past victim of such nefarious practices, concurs. "I don't know if it's true or not, but I believe in it."

Tribute to Claudia Leistner

Ladies' figure skating, like fashion and music, reached a certain level of excess and bombast in the 1980s: the hair was big, the costumes were floofy and glittery, programs were stuffed chock-full of music cuts and the duo of Jutta Müller and Katarina Witt were stomping all over the field.

As such, it is not terribly surprising that one of my favorite guilty pleasure skaters was the product of this particular period of time. Although few remember Claudia Leistner as well as her East German counterpart Katarina Witt these days, Ms. Leistner managed to worm her way into my heart by consistently being an obstinate, wrong-headed, ridiculous and absolutely wonderful hot mess. It is certainly no mean feat to outdo Jutta Müller when it comes to bizarre choreography, but Ms. Leistner (and whoever her choreographer was) managed to do exactly that, bless her soul.

Batshit figure skating fandom bingo

Are YOU part of a dubiously-sane figure skating fandom? Why don't we play a game to find out!
If your fandom manages to form a line on the bingo sheet, immediate medical attention is advised.

Morozombie Public Service Announcement

Listen up, acolytes!

Though nothing spoils a joke more than explaining it....it must be done in this case, given the increasingly ludicrous feedback I've been receiving.

Maleficent Mao

NOTE: THIS POST IS ENTIRELY SATIRICAL. Seriously, people!  
It has come to my attention that certain Internet forums have been aflutter with reports, mostly stemming from this article revealing that Mao Asada's lavender 'barnacle boob' costume this season was designed by Canadian designer Josiane Lamond. Ms. Lamond had previously designed Yu-Na Kim's costumes when she was still under the tutelage of Brian Orser.  This, according to intrepid Internet sleuths, is clear and convincing proof that Miss Asada was obviously trying to reach out to Mr. Orser, former coach of Miss Asada's rival Miss Kim and that Miss Asada's pernicious efforts to derail the former Dream Team of Mr. Orser and Miss Kim were indeed a major part of the Orser-Kim split.

Now, many people have pooh-poohed this incident as yet another unhinged conspiracy theory, the latest ramblings sprouted from fans smarting after the defeat of their favorite, but ignoring these CLEAR AND CONVINCING FACTS demonstrates a willful ignorance of how costumes have historically been used in the psychological mind-game that is the typical figure skating competition.