Maleficent Mao

NOTE: THIS POST IS ENTIRELY SATIRICAL. Seriously, people!  
It has come to my attention that certain Internet forums have been aflutter with reports, mostly stemming from this article revealing that Mao Asada's lavender 'barnacle boob' costume this season was designed by Canadian designer Josiane Lamond. Ms. Lamond had previously designed Yu-Na Kim's costumes when she was still under the tutelage of Brian Orser.  This, according to intrepid Internet sleuths, is clear and convincing proof that Miss Asada was obviously trying to reach out to Mr. Orser, former coach of Miss Asada's rival Miss Kim and that Miss Asada's pernicious efforts to derail the former Dream Team of Mr. Orser and Miss Kim were indeed a major part of the Orser-Kim split.

Now, many people have pooh-poohed this incident as yet another unhinged conspiracy theory, the latest ramblings sprouted from fans smarting after the defeat of their favorite, but ignoring these CLEAR AND CONVINCING FACTS demonstrates a willful ignorance of how costumes have historically been used in the psychological mind-game that is the typical figure skating competition.

An oft-repeated and well-known incident of how the choice of costume designers demonstrate malevolent attempts to one-up rivals is the case of Johnny Weir and Evan Lysacek. In 2005-2006, Mr. Weir went to famed choreographer Tatiana Tarasova and acquired a new short program set to the music of Camille Saint-Saëns' The Swan. This, many feel, was one of Mr. Weir's best programs ever and it even earned him a second-place finish in the short program portion of the 2006 Olympics. Soon after, during the 2008-2009 season, Mr. Weir's rival Mr. Lysacek also went to Ms. Tarasova for choreography and costuming as well, resulting in Bolero and Rhapsody in Blue.

Now, given the lack of crosses on Mr. Weir's Swan costume, it is not entirely certain if Ms. Tarasova had a hand in designing the costume but really, there's little point in being a factinista here. After all, reality has a well-known anti-conspiracy bias. Instead, this is the truth, unfiltered by rational arguments: Mr. Lysacek clearly went to the same costume designer (not to mention choreographer!) that Mr. Weir used in the past, demonstrating his deleterious efforts to break up the Tarasova-Weir relationship and try to take away what Mr. Weir had. Thank goodness Ms. Tarasova had her hands full with 'coaching' Mao Asada in the next season, thereby foiling Mr. Lysacek's conscience-free ambitions to win Olympic gold. Oh wait...

Anyways, I for one am outraged to see how Miss Asada is following in the baleful footsteps of Evan "Snooki on ice" Lysacek in daring to use a costume designer that had previously been used by another figure skater! The horror, the horror! A suitable punishment would be a court order mandating that Miss Asada is to wear nothing but Tarasova creations for the entire Olympic cycle.