Sep 12, 2011
Russians Clone First Human Beings
Fueled by a plethora of rather less-than-savory portrayals courtesy of Hollywood and science fiction, human clones conjure rather fearsome images in the collective psyche. Indeed, it is difficult to imagine clones as relatively friendly and harmless creatures residing in peace and prospering among their uncloned brethren. Yet the path-breaking research and experiments of a special team of Russian scientists indicate otherwise, supporting the claim that human reproductive cloning can indeed be a boon to society.
In the most recent issue of the Scientia Morozombus Journal, the FFKKR have reported their unprecedented success in the science of human reproductive cloning. "We have recently succeeded in the creation of several genetically identical copies of a human being--specifically, figure skater Evgeni Plushenko," said Dr. Valentin Piseev, one of the scientists involved in the scientific project.
The figure skater Evgeni Plushenko, the 2006 Olympic gold medalist and 2010 and 2002 Olympic platinum medalist, was deemed the most worthy subject to be cloned by the members of the FFKKR given his past successes and prowess in the sport. Lead researcher in the experiment Dr. Alexei Mishin remarked that "Evgeni Plushenko has a blond mullet, impressive arm-flailing ability and a natural affinity for upper-body posing--all important skills necessary for amassing top marks in the sport of figure skating. He is therefore the prime specimen for cloning if we are to have success in Sochi."
The 2014 Winter Olympics will be held in Sochi, Russia. Spurred on by the disappointing finishes by Russian figure skaters at the recent 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, Canada, the FFKKR view their breakthrough in cloning Evgeni Plushenko as merely the first step in their plan to restore Russian national pride after the ego-bruising results in Vancouver. As Dr. Piseev notes, "our research lays the groundwork for the development of new clones in the ladies field as well should either Adelina Sotnikova or Elizaveta Tuktamysheva live up to their promise, as well as cloning some judges to lend to other countries."
The FFKKR will officially present the final results of their cloning in October at the start of the figure skating Grand Prix season. However, they have kindly provided some videos to show the progress of their clones so far: