According to reports online, legendary Biblical figure Jesus Christ, the Messiah and Savior of Humanity, has risen again in the form of sixteen-year-old junior figure skater Gracie Gold.
That Jesus Christ--who is, after all the Son of God--would appear in the form of a young woman has led some to regard such rumors with scepticism, but not figure skating fans, a staunchly devout group of believers online.
When videos of Gold landing triple-triple and triple-triple-triple combinations first surfaced, figure skating fans reacted with various degrees of religious ecstasy, including but not limited to bouts of euphoria and visions of the future.
Most enthusiastic about Jesus Christ's return in the form of Gold are fans of American ladies figure skating.
"I truly believe Gracie Gold is the the Second Coming," said figure skating fan 'kwanisthebest.' "With her triple-triples, good skating skills and jump technique, Gold will lead us all to salvation and eternal glory in heaven with God herself, i.e. Michelle Kwan."
Fellow American ladies figure skating fan 'sashafanforever2571' concurs. "People are looking to the young Russian ladies skaters for salvation, but Adelina Sotnikova is the Antichrist, with Elizaveta Tuktamisheva and Julia Lipnitskaya as her false prophets," sashafanforever2571 claims. "Gracie Gold is the way, the truth, and the light."
When asked if such expectations would lead to a crippling amount of pressure for the young Gold to handle, sashafanforever2571 brushed off the concerns as "nonsense." "Jesus Christ handled the pressure of founding the Christian Church as we know it, resisting temptation by Satan himself, and rising from the dead. Winning a gold medal at the Sochi Olympics, raising the bar technically for ladies skating and consistently landing triple-triple combinations in elite senior-level figure skating competitions is practically a cakewalk compared to the sort of stuff that's described in the Bible."
However, there are those who have been less than convinced about Christ's return in Gold.
For instance, figure skating fan 'agneszawadzkilover3' claims that Jesus Christ had already returned to earth prior to Gold's birth. "Despite what has happened at competitions this season, I still believe Agnes Zawadzki is the one to save US ladies figure skating and by extension, the world," agneszawadzkilover3 said. "Gracie Gold is some nobody skater who hasn't put one toe into senior figure skating. She hasn't even competed as a junior skater in the national championships yet! Also, Agnes can do a triple-triple combo too."
Gold could not immediately be reached for comment in response to such claims about her divinity.
HAHAHAAAHAHA thank you for this. I was getting so sick of people anointing Gracie Gold already. A++++, morozombie.
ReplyDeleteExcellent as always, Morozombie! I have also heard that Gracie Gold has better skating skills than Patrick Chan and that Patrick is inconsolable over this :D
ReplyDeleteThe hype around certain junior skaters is something I've never understood. One need only look at past results from junior events to see how many phenoms don't pan out, and how many skaters have their breakthrough later. Let Gold develop and improve at her own pace.
Gold is quite large. I am sure that the messiah of ladies figure skating will be thin.
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