DIY Music Selection

So you're a figure skater needing to choose music for your new program(s) this season. The vast repertoire of the world's music is at your fingertips . . . which, undoubtedly, is a daunting prospect. The abundance of choice is staggering: free choice may form the bedrock of the capitalist system in which we reside, but there's a whole lot of music out there to choose from. The feeling is akin to being a lifelong communist being exposed to an American supermarket for the very first time: where do we even begin? How do we even decide? The tyranny of choice can be oppressive indeed.

But fear not, young padawan--Morozombie is here to help with a simple way to choose your figure skating music for the season. All you need to do is take a simple quiz. Add one point for each "yes" answer to the following questions unless otherwise indicated:

-Do you enjoy listening to the dulcet tones of Gerard Butler? Add two points if you want to share your love of Gerard Butler by subjecting hapless audiences around the world to his voice at ear-splitting volumes.

-Do you wish to have a costume that conveniently conveys the entirety of your program's concept with a simple symbol, like a mask appliqué stuck on your chest?

-Do you prefer your music to have the subtlety and nuance of a giant chandelier crashing onto your head?

-Would you like the opportunity to use face-stroking as choreography? Add two points if you're willing to stroke your face during an extended posing section.

-Do you like disjointed music cuts? Add three points if you love Andrew Lloyd Webber so much that you feel compelled to shoehorn at least four different songs from his repertoire into a single program.

-Do you like dressing in black and white?

-Do you need to hide your lack of musical interpretation and/or emotional nuance with bombastic and melodramatic muzak?

-Do you mind having clunkers like "Though you turn from me to look behind/the phantom of the opera is inside your mind" for your lyrics? If yes, add one point. If no, add two points.

-Do you sincerely believe that you will finally be the One who will bring a fresh new take on a piece of music?


SCORING:

If you've earned 0-2 points, you should probably consider using Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera this season.

If your total adds up to 3-8 points, Phantom of the Opera would be a great fit for your skating needs!

If you scored 9 points or over, you don't need to take this quiz! You're probably skating to Phantom of the Opera already.