Four Continents 2015: the Men

The men's event at Four Continents this year may have lacked the marquee name in men's figure skating outside of Europe, but that didn't mean there was nothing to see at the competition.

The men's event was easily won by Denis Ten, who won the competition by almost thirty points. However, Denis Ten, all things considered, isn't that hot. Don't get me wrong, he's not ugly, not hideous, but he's just not that hot. Denis is totally cute, especially when he smiles and wears that sleek dark clingy outfit in his long program this year. But . . . it's just that he could be way cuter, you know? He's like that guy you make out with a few times here and there, but . . . yeah. It's just a stretch that a cute guy who isn't that hot could win by thirty points, you know?

On the other hand, the silver medalist Josh Farris, who somehow scored almost thirty points less than Denis, is totally hot. Like, super, super hot. He's just a much hotter boy than Denis, in my opinion. Like, if Denis is the boy you'll make out with a few times, Josh is the boy whose name you write on your math binder and daydream about everyday. He's just so hot, you know? He's not just hot, he'll obviously be a great boyfriend because he's very sensitive and stuff. How do I know this, you might ask? I know because he plays guitar and sings and skates to these programs about heartbreak and stuff. Which is just super, super hot. But also sensitive. It's so weird that the judges just don't reward Josh for how hot he is. The judges are SO corrupt and unfair. They're probably just jealous of him.

Han Yan won the bronze medal. Han is totally cute, which makes him a great bronze medalist. OK, he's not as hot as Josh, but that's why Han finished below Josh (he he he). But one thing Han has over Josh is his hair--Han's hair is so gorgeous. It makes him look so cool and hot. Plus, he's really good at taking selfies, which is a HUGE plus since he'll be great at taking cute couple pics together.

There were some other skaters at the competition, but they weren't even that hot. Honestly, the guys at my school are hotter than some of the guys at this competition. I don't even know why people even bother to see them when they aren't even that hot or buff. Like . . . why should I even care?

Overall, however, I think that the Four Continents men's podium was way hotter than the men's podium at Europeans several weeks ago. Javier Fernandez is totally hot, maybe even as hot as Josh. But Maxim Kovtun has that weird squishy face thing going on, and Sergei Voronov is way too old (ew). At least Denis and Han are totally cute, even if they aren't as hot as Josh.





Note: this post is a tribute to the esteemed Peter K. Rosenthal.