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Dec 13, 2010

Morozombie Christmas Wishlist: Ladies

Today we will cover all the good little ladies skaters on Morozombie Claus' gifting list (HERE is the men's version).

So without further ado...

Miss Carolina Kostner is having a fine season this year so far, making the podium at both her Grand Prix events and winning a silver at the Grand Prix Final...all without having a flip or a lutz. How charmingly mid-1980s! Miss Kostner is of course a lovely skater but is unfortunately hampered by a knee injury this season, leaving her flip-less and lutz-less. However, Miss Kostner's streak of podium finishes may not hold water later this season at Worlds, especially with the return of skaters such as Yu-Na Kim. To ensure her competitive success this season, Morozombie Claus will bequeath a time machine to Miss Kostner, so she can travel back in time to the 1980s where her jump content will be embraced by all.

Yu-Na Kim's reign over the hearts and minds of the judges and her fans is undisputed, but after taking a well-deserved break from competitive skating, beginning to train again for Worlds in Tokyo this season may be rather daunting. To remind Miss Kim of her own fabulousness, Morozombie Claus gifts unto Miss Kim this masterpiece and hit single by the famed DJ Bijoux, "PChan Raves About Yu-Na." It is strangely addictive and a fine piece of workout music, perfect for any skater needing hit the gym to get whipped back into competitive shape.

Mirai Nagasu is a very talented young skater, but her programs this season are incredibly coma-inducing so far. Not even Miss Nagasu's considerable charm can salvage the feelings of utter ennui her programs inspire--simply put, if Miss Nagasu wants to hit the world podium this year, she better do something drastic. Ergo, if Miss Nagasu will not change her programs this season, Morozombie Claus has decided to resort to the good ol' ice dance standby and give Miss Nagasu the lovely OD costume of Barbara Fusar-Poli. In the esteemed discipline of ice dance, it appears that the tried-and-true tactic of distracting judges from mediocre programs and/or skating skills is to wear as hideous and tacky costumes as humanly possible, preferably with enough illusion mesh fabric and sequins to outfit an entire beauty pageant. Hey, it worked for Ms. Fusar-Poli, who is a World Champion and an Olympic medallist. It might just work for Miss Nagasu this season!

Akiko Suzuki--despite her talent, musicality and quality of her programs--is perpetually the underdog, consistently lowballed in PCS. Part of this, Morozombie Claus suspects, has to do with the fact that Miss Suzuki is representing Japan, the country with arguably the deepest singles fields in both men and ladies right now. If she were representing almost any other country, Miss Suzuki would undoubtedly be guaranteed a spot at Worlds on basis of her talent and Grand Prix results this season. As it stands, however, Miss Suzuki is instead in danger of being left off the Japanese world team. To remedy this, Morozombie Claus will give Miss Suzuki a new passport--specifically, a French passport. Think about it: France has a fairly influential and moneyed skating federation, a weak ladies field and Didier Gailhaguet pulling the strings. It's a win-win situation both ways: Miss Suzuki can get the results and marks she deserves while France gets a top ladies skater again without needing to work that much for it--Miss Suzuki is talented enough to attain respectable results even without an underhanded deal or two.

In a rare (and unprecedented) moment of sentimentality, Morozombie Claus would just like to give Mao Asada a hug to help her through these difficult times.

1 comment:

  1. Haha!!!! Thank you for this funny article!!! I love it!!! I totally agree with everything, Kostner's silver with a low technical content was so surprising, and Akiko's PCS marks were so low! She's always undermarked, I can't believe it!!!
    Your montages are so funny! Great job!!